The Chance

Here I am, alone, in my room.

The smell of my perfume that I sprayed. The song played in my laptop. The books that I read. I have no idea why these things make me look backwards suddenly. 
 

I look back. Looking back to what happened to me. Yes, this kid is the first thing that came up to my mind. The fact that this wonderful kid is just a hopeless dream, the fact that this kid still doesn’t want to let go his most precious yet poisonous flower and the fact that he let himself to be tortured... I really, really don’t know what to do about it. I even have no idea why I adore the kid this much. I mean, come on, he’s just a kid. He doesn’t know anything. He already got his favourite flower. 
 

Oh yes, it was obviously because he seems to be a prince that comes out from a fairytale. That is why he is still here for almost 2 years. He is very visible to me, however I am invisible to him. Duh. Of course. He’s just a kid. What can he see?
  

I’ve tried to let go. I’ve tried to wave my hand and say, “so long!”. I’ve tried to create a brand new dream. Yes. I know I can do this. I’m starting to learn to see surroundings not by its cover. I found it. Or at least I think I found it, because I am not sure. But wait. Why am I feeling like I have two sides in my soul? One side says, “That’s it! There’s more hope. Don’t torture yourself anymore, Sharin”, but the other says “No, no. It might gives you hope, but it just doesn’t feel right”. I’m in a dilemma. So I ignore the thoughts about it. I decided to take a rest, to make it empty. 
  

I told everyone that this kid is a ‘no more’, while actually I ‘still’ but I am ‘trying not to’. I thought I would feel better. But I was completely wrong.  I felt like there’s something missing. What is it?
 

An unexpected news came to my ears. I thought this just make everything worse. And honestly, I had no idea why I was annoyed by the news. Not really annoyed, but there’s some kind of regret deep inside me. I almost cried literally, but I told myself that I shouldn’t. I knew that it was all my  fault. I never try to find a chance. And when a chance is right in front of my eyes, I just ignore it. I just let it go. Away to the deepest Earth core.

I was confused why this news made me feel so unmotivated. 
 

Then I just realized. I looked back again. Back to where it was all started. The wonderful kid already has his flower at the beginning of the book. And there’s another (which was not so important) also got his. The older one, whom I prefer during the end of 2010, now already claimed his favourite. And now this.
 

By the way, this wonderful kid is actually my favourite. Apart from the fact that he reminds me of a dancer and he looks like a little fairytale prince, I don’t know why I still keep it for almost 2 years. Maybe there’s no reason, really.
 

But in the end, everything is alright. I feel way better now, eventhough I’m still in dilemma. I knew God would help me to face these problems. Alhamdulillah, thanks God! :D