Trauma

It's obvious that certain things that we encounter would change our perspective on something. But I never thought such things would cause me harm, sometimes.

When I was younger, thinking about others' feelings is the last thing on my mind. I've broken a person's heart, without feeling guilty. I've mocked and made a boy cried, just because he wrote my name under "I have a crush on..." list. I used to hate it when a boy call me, and I would response him fiercely. I pushed them away, I tried hard to make them don't like me. Now I have no idea why would I do such things. But that was when I was very young - around elementary school to junior high school.

Karma came to me. I loved this boy so much that I feel really stupid now for falling for him so quickly. I think it was the very first time I feel that way. I hoped a lot. But it didn't last long. I was the one who's hurt. And that felt horrible.

From that time on, I changed my views on them. I analyzed them critically. I have my own opinion on each person that I met. I never tell anyone about my opinion, because I know they would have a whole different view. I compare them to the older ones that I know outside the school.

Well, there's this kid that I like for such a long time. But then sometimes, I tell people and myself that I don't really like him. I just like him because of the look, that's all. However this confused me because I can't get him out of my mind for years. But then I'm sure that I am not liking seriously. I don't know why, I'm having trouble liking someone seriously since then. I'm still scared that I'd be hurt again.

I am becoming so selective. I have to admit, I looked down to the childish ones. I don't believe in stories like A Walk to Remember, where a popular boy likes unpopular girl. I just sniffed at that. This is funny because I am into that fairytale thing, but then having trouble to believe that it actually exists.

However, I realized this would benefit me nothing. But the feeling haunts me. Maybe this is why the phone doesn't ring anymore.

I think this is what they called trauma. But I miss that feeling, where there's so many butterflies in your tummy. When you can't help thinking about someone.